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I've had it with male-centred sex education x

So, here we are again {I've had it with a lot of things apparently}. Welcome to episode two of this little series that I have so lovingly dubbed "Important things I wish I'd been taught/had the guts to ask about when I was younger, but never did and so turned 18 and realised I still had so many questions and naturally turned to the internet to fill the gaps (sex ed edition - pt 2)".

In the last post, I spoke about how the LGBTQ+ community has been massively disadvantaged {and a lot of us left very very confused} by the vast majority of sex education/representations of sexual health in today's society. As I said there, I really only scratched the surface of this and intend to write an awful lot more on it as I continue to educate myself {and would also be v open to contributions to these future posts - so keep a bead on my insta n things if you wanna know more}. However, to avoid sounding like a broken record {we all know I can talk the hind legs off a donkey about just about anything - apologies to those of you that actually know me x}, I thought I'd focus more on all the things I wish I'd been taught about having sex specifically as a cisgender woman.

Obviously, I want to preface this with a lil disclaimer. So *disclaimer* : I can only write about these issues from my perspective based off of my experiences. I understand that as a cisgender woman, I come from a place of privilege. However, I also understand that not every cisgender woman may have had these experiences and that they're not limited to us either. Baso, I don't want this post to seem exclusionary in any way {which is funny because it's not great news that so many people may be able to relate to these issues}. I also hope it doesn't seem as though I'm a font of knowledge on these issues either because I am far from it and still have a lot to learn. p.s this will also probably be NSFW x

Okay, on with the show:

  1. First on the list of things I wish I had known about before whatever point in my life in which I realised I didn't know about them is:

  2. Around 75% percent of women can't orgasm from penetration alone and 10 to 15% of women find it hard to climax under any circumstances.

  3. Now, my lovely audience, here's the kicker: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY FINE. If I'd known this tiny little fact when I first started having sex with men, I wouldn't have spent half my time convincing myself that there was something wrong with me. If you're unable to orgasm from penetration, join the club, apparently its a popular one. You're not broken.

  4. Second on this list and very much linking to the first point:

  5. Communication is so unbelievably important.

  6. Communication was rarely spoken about during my school-time sex education {which is odd because, if you read my last post, an awful lot of pointless information was spoken about- so they must have had time to fill}. We were given the standard "yes means yes and no means no" conversation, but what about "this works best for me," "I can't orgasm from penetration alone," "could we try this," or even "I know we just got started and I was into it at first, but I'm not really feeling it anymore."

  7. Now, I'm not saying all of these should have been addressed in schools {obviously- sex ed goes beyond that and it's important that it remains age appropriate}. However, it really is crucial that young women in particular have access to advice on how to communicate certain things when having sex. Things that go beyond "yes I want to have sex with you." It seems like communicating these things would be a matter of common sense, but there are so many other factors to acknowledge that go well beyond a simple yes or no.

  8. Third!

  9. Discharge is normal, but pay attention to it! Changes in discharge are often one of the first signs that something is off.

  10. This one is unbelievably important and, infuriatingly, still very taboo. I learned all I know today about discharge from the internet, which is sad when there are an awful lot of vagina owners in the world. There is literally nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to discharge and I really wish that I had been told about this as a young woman. The vagina is a wonderful thing. It is self cleaning, PH sensitive, and can provide you with some of the first warning signs that something is changing elsewhere in your body. Are you pregnant? ovulating? horny? do you need to see a doctor? are you in your fertile window? stressed out? wearing the wrong underwear? allergic to condoms? Your vagina will probably be the first to let you know. How anything as smart and as well developed as that could ever be the subject of ridicule and shame is beyond me. Please can we get more people talking about this - normalise conversations like these!

  11. Although if you're ashamed of your vagina or you're someone who thinks conversations like this have no place in a civilised world - ask yourself why x

  12. The one after third!

  13. There is absolutely no shame in female masturbation - it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's normal. If you can't accept that fact then pls read this.

  14. That's actually all I have to say about that one. If guys can do it, so can you b x. There are countless mental and physical health benefits of masturbation and it's fun. Simple as. You get to know your body super well whilst practising self love -what's not to love about that?

  15. AND finally:

  16. You deserve to have sex with someone who respects your wishes and needs as much as you respect theirs.

  17. You know the drill - consent is key and v v sexy. You might not have been told this {or you may have - either way I'm really here to drill it home} and I know I certainly wasn't, but your pleasure is worth just as much as your partner's. {Shocker, I know}. This doesn't mean you both have to orgasm every time you have sex, nor does it mean that you have to do anything you're not comfortable with in order to earn the 'pleasure' of having the favour returned. What is does mean is that you deserve to be with someone who is willing to try to understand your body and your pleasure in the same way that you aim to understand theirs.

  18. My motto is "you can't be anything to anyone until you're everything to yourself," and being everything to yourself starts with learning how to communicate and set boundaries. This extends to everything from sex to relationships to boundaries you set just for yourself.

Overall, I think the main message of this post {if there is just one to be found in amongst this mess of ramblings I'm handing you} is that, as women, we are taught that we should be clean shaven, submissive, and entertaining. That's complete hogwash x. Sex education plays such a huge role in attempts to control and shape women to be more desirable sexually that it often glosses over crucial aspects that are necessary in gender inclusive sex ed. This happens throughout education, the media, and in general conversation.

Be loud, be quiet, be hairy, be clean shaven, be confident, be slim, be fat, be dominant, be submissive - be whatever you want because, as that end of the day, no one's going to remember you as "the girl who never shaved her legs," "that one gal who shaved from head to toe," or "the girl who could only orgasm when there was a waxing crescent moon in the sky and ABBA was playing softly in the background." Do whatever you have to do to be happy. Whether that's shaving or not shaving, masturbating or not masturbating, having sex or choosing not to. As long as you're not hurting anyone else {nonconsensually that is - who am I to judge?}, do anything you need to if it means getting one step closer to self love, self respect, self understanding, and ultimately, happiness.

missing you already x

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